Best Laid Plans

I make plans. I may not always achieve my plans, but I always am thinking about what comes next.

Yesterday and today, I’ve been a mess. This pandemic and my inability to really take a break has been wearing on me. I’ve been cranky and short with my family.

I’ve been trying to give them breaks. I’ll bring them doughnuts or make pasta for dinner simply because I’m trying to make them happy. I don’t live in a gluten free house. I don’t think it is necessary.

Anyway, I made pasta for dinner for the gluten eaters. I made gluten free sesame chicken with rice and broccoli for me. I had reached the end of my rope being maid and chef around here last night. I went to watch my friends play tennis and requested my family clean up from dinner.

This morning, I went to empty the dishwasher and the pasta pot had not been rinsed. The dishwasher was unable to clean the pasta pot properly. It would take another 3 hours before I could get my kitchen into a place where it was clean enough for me to start cooking breakfast.

In a world where gluten isn’t a problem, it is no big deal. In my world, where gluten is a problem, I have had it!

Most of the time having to be gluten free doesn’t bother me too much. I get wound up at things on social media, but I don’t fight with my friends and family about gluten. I have restaurants around me where I know I can get a 100% gluten free safe meal. Unfortunately, only two of the five or six safe restaurants are open right now. And other places where I thought I could get a safe meal are dropping their gluten free options. It is disheartening.

I don’t eat a lot of convenience foods because I think that is a place for lots of gluten to sneak in. I try to cook whole foods. I try to keep our menu interesting and varied so I don’t pull my hair out from boredom. But keeping it interesting comes with its own pressures.

Writing this blog is a blessing and a curse. I hope that I’m putting positive, accurate information out into the world. I hope to give practical advice on how to live with celiac without fear. When I am down or struggling, the messages you send of kindness and encouragement really help and I appreciate every message. This blog really isn’t a curse – but I do feel pressure to increase the number of followers and post every day. On days when I’m not feeling like writing, my internal pressure to post can be intense.

Regarding the bigger issues in the world, the pandemic has made all of the pressures and feelings more intense. I’m feeling isolated from my friends. I reach out. I see them in various, socially distant scenarios. It just isn’t the same. I live in Georgia. Cases in Georgia are rising like a plane taking off.

School decisions will have to be made soon. My kids, whom I love dearly, have been with me for the past 3 months with rare exceptions. They are mess making, food bingeing, sometimes surly, tweens dealing with their own issues during this pandemic. Helping them through puberty, engaging with friends while socially distancing, and trying to keep some sort of normalcy in their lives has been a challenge.

All of it, everything, has caught up with me in the past 24 hours. My head is not in the right space to do any of the research I promised. I will get to it, but I need a break. I need a little bit of me time.

Thank you for listening to me whine. I am certain all of us have reached our breaking points during this pandemic. I have just hit the wall here. I need to take care of me for a few days. I’ll be back on Monday stronger and more focused. But sometimes a girl has to know when she needs a break.