Hit the wall

I was chugging along doing fine during this coronavirus stay at home order. I had been keeping the house clean, experimenting with new recipes, gluten free baking (which I never do), and doing projects around the house that had been put on hold. Until yesterday – then I hit the wall.

Yesterday was fine. I got my kids up for virtual school yesterday, went to the grocery store to lay in food supplies for the weekend, and put a breakfast casserole in the oven. I couldn’t vacuum because the kids were in school, so I sat on the couch and turned on the tv waiting for the casserole to be done.

I couldn’t find anything of any redeeming value on tv, so I watched old Cosby Show episodes. Then I watched Marrying Millions on Hulu and knew I had fallen down the rabbit hole of on demand TV.

After 40 minutes when the timer went off on the casserole, it was hard to get up. It was like the couch was hugging me, holding me down. Honestly, I didn’t really care if the casserole burned at that point, even the commercials were more interesting than getting up. It took a tremendous amount of energy to get up and get the casserole out of the oven. Then I returned to that awful show and my warm spot on the couch.

Clothes that I had ordered weeks ago and was excited to receive, arrived at the door and I didn’t flinch. My kids were finished with school and doing goodness knows what on their screens and I just let it happen. Laundry needs to be done, floors need to be swept and vacuumed, and dinner needs to be cooked. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was the next episode of Marrying Millions.

I felt strange to give into that moment. The physical ease of sitting on the couch contradicted so much of the pressure I have been putting on myself for the past few weeks. I have been feeling like I need to accomplish something. I’ve got all this time to try new things. I need to get the yard work done now while the weather is nice and the kids weekend sports activities allow for the work to be done. I need to clean out closets and sort all the extra toiletries in linen closet.

My husband got home and said I could take the night off, but the magic of the quiet, self-indulgent moment had worn off. I was back in work mode.

A million little things that don’t get done while the pressure of taking kids to school and activities. Now I have the time, but yesterday, not the desire. I have to give in to my body and mental health sometimes. I have to let some of this go knowing that I will have the time tomorrow too.

I think I’m going to take the afternoon off today. I obviously need the mental and physical break.

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