Mental Gymnastics

I’ve been doing a lot of mental gymnastics lately. I am spinning with questions that there is no way I can pre-emptively know the answers to or know. I’m gonna go through them below:

Am I getting Nexvax or am I getting placebo? This one is tough. Each flushing reaction, each time I don’t get sick after eating out, each time my bowels are normal, it leads me to believe I’m getting the drug. I’m one food challenge in on the clinical trial. It makes me think maybe I got gluten the first time and I had a brief reaction, but now I’m in the clear. But what if this is all placebo effect? What if I’ve conned myself so completely into believing that I’ve affected my bowels? Seems far fetched but possible. What if my diet has cleaned up so much that I’ve completely healed? Possible, but I don’t know.

What do I if I found out I got Nexvax? Hell yeah! I’m throwing a party!!

If I got Nexvax, would I eat gluten again? This is the one that is rocking my world today. Now, I know they say it is for accidental gluten exposure, but what if it is better than that? What if after the gluten challenges I have no reaction? Oooh, now we are talking. Krispy Kreme here I come.

If I got Nexvax, how long does it last? This is where the real party begins. Is this a lifelong protection or is this temporary? Am I going to need periodic boosters? What if it wears off and I have to go back through the whole process again?

If I got Nexvax, what are the long term side effects? This one is tough. What potential damage have I done by being in this trial.

If I got placebo, how long until this stuff is available? Ugh and how do I get it?

I don’t have any answers to these questions. I just have more questions. I need to stop before my head explodes, but these are the things I think about. I’m not blindly in this study just hoping, I’m thinking about everything and what it means. So, hang tough with me and we will get through it.

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