NOW HIRING: Gluten-Free Lifestyle Ambassador
Compensation: Negative. Successful applicants can expect increased grocery expenses and higher costs associated with maintaining the position.
Hours: Part-time schedule with full-time consequences.
Key Responsibilities:
• Food Scientist: PhD-level food science and label-reading knowledge required to identify hidden sources of gluten and prevent accidental ingestion.
• Chef: Create Michelin-star quality meals using gluten-free ingredients on a Waffle House budget without letting anyone know they are gluten free.
• Snack Wrangler: Maintain an inventory of appropriate emergency snacks for all situations, at all times, without fail.
• Risk Manager: Make split-second decisions regarding food and beverage with incomplete information and no room for error.
• Investigator: Conduct post-exposure investigations by analyzing previous food consumption, symptom timing, and available evidence to determine whether the cause of unease was gluten exposure or an unrelated illness.
• Travel Coordinator: While traveling, identify safe restaurants and a clean restroom in under 30 seconds.
• Quality Assurance Specialist: Maintain constant vigilance with every morsel of food and sip of beverage consumed, regardless of hunger level, social pressure, fatigue, or vacation status.
Qualifications:
• High tolerance for inconvenience.
• Strong problem-solving skills.
• Ability to advocate for yourself while being labeled “difficult.”
• Willingness to pay 2–3 times more for foods that contain half the product.
• Ability to smile politely while receiving unsolicited advice about sourdough bread, European wheat, digestive enzymes, “healing your gut,” and “just trying a little bit.”
• Excellent detective skills.
• Must be willing to work weekends, holidays, vacations, and while sick.
Additional Information:
Applicants are automatically enrolled at diagnosis.
Orientation consists of a pamphlet and vague instructions to “avoid gluten.”
There are no sick days, no paid time off, and no retirement plan.
Other duties as assigned.
Anyone else feel underqualified for a job they never applied for?
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